Everything I Needed to Know, I Learned in Foster Care

We have opportunities, throughout our lives, to learn how the world works, how to navigate relationships, how to treat others, how to get what we want, and how to get where we want to be. Some of these lessons are positive and helpful, some we would rather avoid all together, but all are important.  As I reflect over my time in foster care I am reminded of the lessons I learned during those 6 years of my life, and I recognize how these important moments and opportunities still impact my life, today.  The lessons I learned in foster care shape my world. At times, the lessons I learned as a teenager in care provide more clarity for me than any other lesson I’ve picked up on my journey through life.  I hope to be an example of these truths and I want to demonstrate for all those whose lives I touch that there is always a lesson in every circumstance.  What is most important is for us to incorporate those lessons, to internalize those lessons, to learn from them how to impact the world for better…to grow through the circumstance.  Perhaps, that is the biggest lesson I learned in foster care.  I have a choice.  I can learn from this and grow and improve and be better, or, I can let life run me over with the circumstances, choosing to ignore the lessons, and hand over my control.  I have a choice. 

From foster care, I learned to: 

1)      Be honest.  

Lies.  From the very beginning there were lies.  Little white lies. Insignificant lies.  Lies, nonetheless. Lies I will never forget.  After being interviewed at school, sent home on the bus (knowing all the secrets I’d just shared and fearful of what would happen when or if my father found out), I watched my mother answer the phone call that would forever change my life.  I remember riding in the back seat of our black Lincoln Town Car to the office where the social worker and detective were waiting and listening to my father’s instructions of how to lie my way out of this – by telling them I’d lied about everything. I remember being told “Come with us, we have just a few more questions.” before being led down the hall to a big room, where I was told to “Wait here.” as I looked out the window and watched my parents drive away.  A lie.  There were no more questions.  It was a coward’s way of removing me from my parents. No good-bye, no explanation, no promises or assurances of what would come.  Over the next six years, I’d be told “it will all be okay”, “they’re doing all they can”, “he is in counseling, getting help”, “you can stay here as long as you need to”, “we’ll be your family”, “we’ll help you get on your feet” and so on.  All lies.  Unintentional? Sure.  Hurtful?  Yep.  So, I learned in foster care to always be honest because lies can cause a sting that sticks around for a good long time. 

2)      Be committed.

Placements.  The “s” on the end of that word says it all.  Commitment in foster care is almost a joke.  I was in a total of 10 different homes/shelters during my 6 years in care and I can remember each and every one of them, the move in and the move out, who I connected with and where I always felt out of place.  Something about every single placement sticks with me.  I also remember that about 2 years was max-capacity for those relationships.  From the emergency foster home, where I stayed just that first night, to the relative placement who said I had to move because she didn’t want me “making it up” about her husband, to the shelter staff who so positively impacted my whole world, to the one foster home that really wanted me but knew I was too afraid of commitment to let them in all the way – every one of them taught me something about commitment.   Today, I’m incredibly grateful and blessed to have found true commitments in marriage, friendships, an extended family, and even, in my work.  In foster care, I learned commitment is scary and something to be avoided, but I also learned I needed it.  Finding real commitment is way more rewarding and enjoyable. 

3)      Be flexible.

Life isn’t a straight line, is it?  There are curves, pot-holes, hills, and valleys, long stretches of restlessness and struggles, and times of peaceful forward motion.  Flexibility is so important.   We must be able to “go with the flow”.  Being able to adjust to the circumstances of the journey and to recalculate the route is critical.  During my time in care, I was constantly faced with new challenges, new expectations, new rules, decisions that had been made, etc. and I had to adjust or I’d get trapped in the pits and valleys.  I couldn’t let those circumstances destroy my journey. I had to simply figure a way around them.  A good example, for me, was school. I decided that school could be a good way out. I decided to attend a magnet high school, so that no matter where I was placed, I could still attend the same school, because they bused students in from all over the city. I decided to study hard and make good grades, knowing that would set me apart from the rest of my family and give me opportunities to find my own way. I decided to find my potential and to make the most of that potential. 

Be flexible.  Be creative. Be willing to try new things and to make your own way. Go around the obstacles. Think of the waves of the ocean off a rocky island somewhere.  When there are huge boulders, spikes of earth, or jagged edges of land and rock, the water doesn’t simply crash into the rock and stop flowing. It may crash into the side violently, but slows down and keeps moving until it finds a place to rest. We have to be just as flexible…looking for where we can be most at peace. 

4)      Be intentional.

Don’t let the choices of others have complete, un-wavering control over your life.  Be intentional and forward-thinking.  Make a choice.  Decide for yourself where this journey will take you.  Even in foster care, I had some control because I had a voice. I simply had to learn to use it.  I figured out whom to call, what I wanted to say, how to express myself, and I learned to ask for what I wanted. I figured out how to behave in a way that demonstrated my readiness for the experience.  I knew I had to do my part.  As an adult, I have to use the same skills every single day, and I have to teach others how to also be intentional. I have to make decisions for my family, teaching my children to make decisions, have a voice, and to make contributions to life. I have to communicate clearly at home and at work, ask for what I want, and do my part.  While I cannot expect things to just be handed to me, I also do not have to just let life happen to me.  I have some control and when I am intentional about how I exercise that control, good things happen.

So, what is the moral of the story?  Reflect on the lessons from your life. Write them down. What did you learn?  What can you learn from the experience or circumstance you are in right now?  Remember, you can grow. You can improve. You can be better.   As the old saying goes, “It ain’t over until…”

 **As published in Foster Focus Magazine, July 2013 (www.fosterfocusmag.com)